~who to be blame???~

i just dont know why...

im feeling so disturb tonite...

why is it???

i kept thinking bout sad and sorrow stuff...

i just cant take it...

since i believe that im weak...

i guess i cant control this anymore...

can i handle it if this uncertainty matter come and bother me once again in the future???

will there be a guy who will push me from the back and say be strong...

believe me that i can do it???

i think that will never happen huh???

how i suppose to take this???

should i hold back or spill it out???

i think...

yup... i should spill it out...

i hate guys!!!

i can believe them no more...

or should i say... im afraid of them...

i dont hate them but im phobia...

so...

lets take this 2 the second step of the misery...

male hurt me... my past hurt me...

break my heart into pieces...

make me unable to love anyone anymore...

never believe in love...

never trust a true love...

never convinced with the existence of love...

but the only existence that rule the human needs, wants and demands are desire of owning...

once they have the power of controlling other people life...

soon or later... the desire will fade away...

and they will get hooked up with other human...

what is left is an empty broken heart...

there is no such thing such as eternal feeling between two human being...

there's only lust of a lonely heart...

need a partner for temporary time...

we might be crazy in love and believe in the phrase of "till the end of the time that he will be he one..."

it sound so sweet...

why cant i do the same???

why i keep thinking that soon or later my feeling will fade away???

im n0t happy...

i am totally suffering right now...

HOW COULD YOU "MY PAST" TORTURED ME LIKE THIS???

(HOW DARE YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS!!!) 

im keep blaming my past...

i keep hiding behind the shadow of my fake self...

im faking my smile...

im faking every little things that i done...

am i tired???

im EXHAUSTED!!!

i just wanna run away...

but what can i prove by doing that???

how can i satisfied by doing that???

until one day...

i had fallen into a difficult situation...

i had fallen into a guy...

this isnt the first time but...

i felt something different this time... 

this aint a game for me...

this aint a matter that i easily give up and walk away...

i try a couple of time to walk away like i did before...

but i just keep approaching him with the awareness of my fragile heart will turn into pieces again...

i just cant stop myself from trying to know him...

even though he try to push me aside...

it just...

im just a human being...

i keep wondering...

how strong i am...

how long my feeling toward him will last???

i try 2 take a step out of my own darkness...

will he do the same???

but i think i will just keep it to myself...

i cant take his hurtful answer for a time being...

we are so complicated...

till he can figure out how to bring us out from the complicated relationship...

im gonna stay cool right here at the corner and wait for him to grab my hand and lead me to the other page of our life journal...

i dont mind waiting...

still...

he make me realized that all this long...

phobia to guyz and hate them and choose not to believe in love is basically im the one who should be blame...

i choose to believe those things...

i choose to hide myself from facing the truth of feeling hurt...

i choose to feel phobia with guys...

i choose to prevent myself from believing in true love...

i choose to lock my heart and im the one who throw the key away...

i should be responsible for my own sadness...

i should be stronger and believe in what i believe...

i know what i choose to believe in now...

and i know i have made i right decision...

and if im hurt again...

i will not regret...

because im thankful to him to let myself to be able to love again even the journey is actually hurting me...

i love the way im changing a bit to my own self...

and it will keep moving on with the remaining of my past...

like muaz used to say that people doesnt change but they move on...

and that what makes the real personality uniques...