~down~

hi... frankly saying... i'm not hoping for anybody to read this.
i just wanna to write those miserable thought of mine somewhere.
i can't pour this feeling to anybody.
everybody just to busy with their own life.
why would bother to care the childish me.


here we go.


i have a very dark past with me.
since i was little, i was forced to grow up.
each day i'm growing up with tears as my best friend.
i know somewhere out there, there will always be strangers who have life worse than mine.
but i just wanna spill this out.
hopefully this will make me better.


i feel pain every time i see "them"
but i have nobody except "them"
even though "they" are the one who keep hurting me rapidly.
raping the the glory time of mine.
when i was in a high school, i could just ignore "them".
doing crazy things... same goes when i was in the college.
ignoring "them" was the best way.
burying my talent.


hey! can't you see that you keep hurting me at the same place again and again???
slashing the scar all over again.
and this time i am extremely worn out...
i'm not that dense anymore to ignore everything.
can't you see the bloody tears of mine?


all you think is yourself and your bullshit ego!
is the egoistic self of yours bringing you anywhere?
all you do is hurting me to make yourselves feel better.
i always and will always be the best listener for you...
have you ever be my listener when i need it?
but why you never feel my existence?
i wipe all your tears but have you ever wipe my tears?
i hug you whenever you need me but have you ever hug me when i needed you the most?
i stay every time you ask me to, but have you ever stay when i want you to stay?
pathetic isn't?
all you see is "him"...
well fair enough... "he" is your diamond.
i'm just the black sheep... and i know that i will remain as that.
you force me to grow up but when i do so, you treat me like a child...
f*ck!


now to the other "you"
all you think is your lust...
have you ever think of me?
you don't even remember my birthday... hahaha
you left me at the bus station to see that "bitch"
you don't even think the possibility of me being kidnap...
hahaha... wow... you are the nicest person i have ever meet.
thanks for all the memories that you gave me.
it was incredibly useful to me...
you are the main cause of why i turn up this way.
HOLD ON! why am i putting the blame to you?


people could say... all of these are stupid excuses. i'm just using all this to run from the reality that i am useless, stupid, ugly, moron, piece of sh*t and so much more. 
is it? i'm trying to be nice to everybody...
tonight i feel like it's a very long night... it seems endless...


i'm trying to be as cheerful as everyone else. i'm trying to live my life as normal as other people...
for other people it is heaven, for me it used to be a heaven but now it is terrifying. but i have no choice, no other place to go.
i'm afraid because i'm alone, i will always be alone.


this seems like exaggerated but all this while i keep hiding it and i guess i'll be hiding it till the end of my life.
these memories will remain with me until the last day of mine come to take away my last breath.
it will keep haunting me and stick to me as my shadow.  
trust me... i've try to be positive as i could... as mature as anyone else...
but "you" are the one who acting so childish now. damn!


is it nice to control other's life? you feel powerful?
thanks for giving me the chance to be your puppet. thanks for making it as a contract which valid immortally.