drifted away

i am so drifted away.
i shouldn't feel like this.
i am a fool if i believe in all those words.
all those care.
all those attention that you gave to me.
i wanna throw those things away.
what really attracts me to you?
i know what it is and i should be sensible.
i'm young i know.
i need to control it, i know.
but what happen if i don't want to control it?
i know it is going to be the biggest mistake that i will do in my entire life. but..
arghhh... these fences of mind control suffocate me.

why?

Today something happen to me.
It makes me feel devastated.
it has been 21 years i live with him and not even a moment he changed to be a better person.
why? why you want to control my life?
i was shock by the words you said.
if you really dare me to quit my study and find job.
i will do it once i have the courage. Don't dare me.
Once i do it, please never regret about it because you are the one who push me to the limit.
i will walk away from that house and never return for a long time.
It has been me, i'm the one who try to understand you guys all this time.
have you ever try to understand me?
blaming other people is your expertise isn't?
i'm really angry right now. i feel like i wanna buy a bus ticket to KL right now and find a new job.
later find a place to stay. i have one in mind.
and be independent. abandon my study. i can continue later at the private college.
i don't give a hell about how famous USM is.
i don't give a shit because what i know is, you can find job anywhere as long as you are keen about it.
fuck this shit because all i want to do is to let go my temper.
go to hell with parenting logic.
i had try my best and all they can see is only my fault.
i sound pathetic but if you have problem with what i'm saying. GTFO!
don't read this.

i'm back

okey... here goes nothing.
hi and Assalammualaikum. it has been a while since the last time i come here.
wiping all the dust at my blog... ffuuhhhh... ffuuuhhhh...
hahaha...
many things happened during the period where i didn't update my blog.
lots of thing and lots of decision has been made.
and i'm afraid that there is no more chance for me to regret all the things that i have done during that time.
well... we need mistake to experienced things and to determine either that's a good choice or not.
relationship between human is the most frightening thing of all.
you cannot decide either to trust or not.
i hope i can continue updating my blog after this.
journal is an important thing for you to realize how much you have grown up.

~random post~

wow... it has been a while since i updated the blog... *take my kain buruk and swipe over my dusty blog.
haha... since i got the mood to write something...
here we go... * go where?
well... perhaps in one of my lucid dream *eh... wait... no... no...
lately i have been pampering myself with so unrealistic common korean series...
haha... but i still watched it.
and i even watched the so-crazy-huzzy-cute proposal which awal done for scha. *i wanna get marry too...
after stalking over their fanpage in the FB... *i'm not a freak
i think how sweet and normal they are as a couple.
have a date together at the weekends...
nice breakfast together, went lunch and dinner together...
explore new things together... *how cool is that?


#sigh

lately has not been good for me...
5 weeks in a new semester pass by with emptiness...
i haven't consume anything from it. *what's wrong with me
i've been cover in shadow... *shadow of gloomy
never been good so far.
i feel heartbroken all the time...
i've been feeling depressed every time i'm alone.
can't focus in my study
don't even have any intuition of doing anythin. i just want to rest for the whole semester but nobody gonna support me doing that.
lately... anything can break me apart.
i get so depress easily.
the happy go lucky and strong me have disappear.
i don't even have anybody to understand me.
am i destined to be like this?
do i really deserved this?
and once i get all mixed together, i will behave immaturely and make people worried just because i need more attention but i ended up accepting that i am all by myself. comforting myself. and cheering myself. all that were done by my own.

~a girl like me~

i love challenges...
i love changes...
i'm easily bored by the lame norms which refuse to change
i'm a person who's dislike safe situation...
safe which means everything would be okay and just fine...
no thrill... not trying new things...
it just so pathetic...
sometimes i'm questioning myself regarding the feeling that i have for the moment...
arguing with myself...
either to be normal or be as freak as i want...
perhaps these are the reasons why i never have my own identity in portraying myself...
it is confusing...
wondering if there is someone out there who are willing to take in charge of me...
a girl who full with ridiculous wish...
a girl who want to be control...
a girl who want a guy that can read her movement...
too much too ask...
coincidentally while keep wishing for something impossible,
i watched a movie today where 2 secret agents were trying their hard to understand the girl they love...
it was thrilling and full of hard work just in order to impress her...
well... it just happens in the movies and dramas...
it won't happen in the real life...
i believe so...
the moral is... anybody... who are reading this... please come and rescue me...

A total lie

Since I keep waiting but no action taken by you, i will keep updating my status so you can stalk me. Don't ever think that you're the only one who is suffering... Well, I won't ask you to understand my situation since it is too much to ask.

Goshhh... I'm so pathetic

~life~

~hell yeah i'm still young in this world~
but still, i can see few dramatics things and behavior...
why most people can't accept the truth.
why most people turns out to be a mad cow when somebody spit the truth on their face...
trying to be nice with hot and famous people...
trying to be someone who doesn't care of anything...
trying to be a silence audience in order not messing up their own life...
stupid... you guys are so stupid... trying to fit in the community and trying to be nice with everybody...
behind the mask is another ugly face that you try hard to cover...
you can see it even in a small community...
those stupid asshole trying to hide their shit!
keep up with the good works everybody...
keep your nice character in life while destroying others in the same time...

i wonder what should i write...
lately... my life has completely change...
i got mad easily and i even get depress easily...
it seems like the whole world against me...
all the thing i've done seems to be so wrong...
none of them are right...
lonely... the lame exact word to describe me...
i keep nagging on how weak i am and after the truth was reveal...
it knock me down that i have nothing to be proud of...
neither physically nor mentally...
what i really need is a hug n soothing words...
because i've been hit really hard by the reality in these few days...
i'm stuck... i found a dead end... i have no second opinion...
hurt me all the time when people around me keep slapping me with the truth...
I KNOW ALL THE TRUTH WITHOUT YOU GUYS TELLING ME!
i just need a pampering treatment... can't you hold yourselves to do that for me...
treat me like a princess? let me cry like a baby and blame everybody even though i know that was not fully their fault?
but tonight you have show me...
tonight i have been a jerk... annoying girl...
i need you to accompany me even without words... it means a lot for me if once in awhile you are willing to enter my silent world...
i thought you are trying to understand me? can't you see that i am actually a quiet person when i'm upset and i will feel very thankful if somebody willing to accompany me and be right by my side awake...
yet, i have no right to ask anything... this just make me realized that might be i am not good enough to have such treatment...
i haven't sacrificed enough to deserve someone who willing to enter my world...
then i shall wait till the day come.

~it hurts me when you say OK~

i don't really wish for it but i just wanna test you...
and apparently you have failed...
i'm totally disappointed...

~10 days to go~

hahaha... gedik2 nak buat wishlist entry for my birthday jugakla... hehehe...

but apparently i don't have any wishes so far except i wish that i will receive the right guide for me to return to the ONE. who am i to wish lots of things? aku cuma seorang hamba yang hina...

~salam~

~one of the moment~

opsss... dah lame gile x update...
ade post y tertangguh rupe nye. berzaman dah nk upload tp x upload2... hahaha... ni pertemuan y ke brape kali entah... hahaha... but we have so much fun... melaka historical city jugak jadi pilihan setiap kali ingin berdating... cewaahhh... ayat x bleh blah... and everytime i go there... cik abg akan setia menunggu dgn myvi JJL beliau... hebat u... (mane boleh mintak limo plak) these are pictures taken while we're having fun! yeah!

dalam kereta pun boleh la kan? hahaha

kami HOT & Spicy... haha

same2 pakai bju liverpool tp org tu sorok gne jacket die plak... ggrrr

nak tgkap gmbr syok sendri pulakla.. lalala

muke penuh beriman x? hahahaha

i'm hiding from you so you won't see me... (miahahaha)

model escalator ke ape ni?

muke org kene buli while waiting for the movie...

Time ni kiteorg lunch! lunch kt our favorite restaurant... "the chicken rice shop" bkn sekdar nasi ayam hahaha... sempat lg promote kn?  teetttt... punye banyak kali jmpe smpai dh ade tempt favorite kn? (laen mcm je ayat?) 1buln 1 kali jumpa la... hahahaha...

mata sepet sebelah... (am i an alien?) dayyum... hahaha

model teh 3 layers... hahahaha...

yeay! jd sekian saja entry post ini... hahahaha

~a bitter truth~

you no longer the one who first to know what happen around me...
that is the thing that i fear the most...
and it's happening now...

~his family~

~Assalammualaikum~

dah lama tak update blog ni... busy sgt dgn life kt USM ni... *ayat nk poyo...

padahal busy xde teruk mane pun... cume byk ke sana sini since tempt dh besar and xde transport jd berjln kaki je... jadi mase byk hbis dekt jalan kaki tu hah... *penat aku tp kurus ye idok jugerr... lol

post kali ni aku nk cite pasal pglmn awkward aku dekat muar... benda ni spontaneous je sbnr yer... encik ikhwan da doughnutz dah lame ajak aku pergi muar sbb ade wedding... wedding cousin dyer... ade few pictures je sbb aku trase sgt awkward dgn segala bnde... 

i might look friendly but i ain't friendly... i might look like very easy to approach people but yet i am very shy... i might look like i'm a talkative person but actually i'm very quiet... i might look like i have so much confident but basically i'm not... 

parents si"dia" pun sgt sporting... bolehla bergaul n bergelak ketawa... *tp mmg seriously aku SEGAN giler... siblings si"dia" pun sgt BEST!!! sgt sporting... rse cool plak... *tetibe rse mcm adik beradik sendri... hehehe... it's fun to be able to laugh out loud dgn siblings dyer... mmg masuk kepala la... hahaha thanks abg long, baby n ihsan... you guys ROCK!

akhirya... aku berjumpa jugak dgn kebanyakkan cousin-mazen dyer y selame ni aku kenal dr laman sosial je... *cewahhh...

they are so cool!!! so damn sporting!!! hahahaha... fun... *padahal puas kne sakat... hahaha... diorang layan aku dgn sgt baik... ramai sgt aunties and uncles y aku kne kenal... hahaha... *whaddayaexpect? 12siblings all together... 

i think for now... enjoy the pictures!!! *padahal sikit je pun

ini gambar dgn mak teh si"dia"

opkos la ngan beliau kan? same color x? hahaha... lari tema from the wedding lg...

kebetulan tarikh wedding ni tarikh anniversary parent si"dia"... pak cik pun tgh seronok nk bukak hadiah

romantik tau... ibu si"dia" buat album gmbr kawen mse mude2 dlu... peeewwwiittt...

*sorry mak teh... gmbr over ckit... hahaha... ni time basuh pinggan mngkuk lps kenduri kawen... *brutal yer aq

mase tgh kemas2 nie sbnrye blackout kt dis part of muar... gedik plak kn encik TNB ni nk maen blakout2 time org nk mengemas lepas kenduri... terpaksa la gune lmpu kete buat sementara... y x puas ati yer... umah blakang ade je eletrik hah... jeles leettteewwww encik TNB tu... pastu dahla sejuk giler dgn angin kuat yer... bkn sepoi2 bhase dh... x berbahasa dh ni... =.="

hahaha... ni ambik mse dkt kdai mkn lepas operasi mencuci n mengemas... *lapo giler *si"dia" malu sbb kiteorg ambik gmbor dpn kazen2 dyer... miahaha

3 generation n half... hahahaha... aku, ibu si"dia" n nenek!!! y budak kecik comel tu sophia nme ye... anak mak dek... *another auntie opkos... hahahaha

hahaha... ni cme tukar org jer... si"dia" pun masok sbb org suruh... malu leettteewwww... hahaha 

y paling best mse pergi kenduri ni adlh bile sanak saudara si"dia" y blum mengenali aku tye dekat mak cik2 or nenek si"dia",  diorg akan jawab "itu bakal anak saudara", "itula bakal cucu saya" hek3... style la... 44kali aku blushing sbb dgr ayat tu... miahahaha... well... walaupun penat tp seronok sgt sbb dpt tgok another side of him... hehehe...

~the first year~

Alhamdulillah...

it has been a year...

there are lots of up and down throughout our relationship...

tetibe rase mcm sekejap je..

teringat soalan dyer y menusuk kalbu tu...

"what do you think of long distance relationship?"

hahaha...

wow... but i know...

it is still long way ahead...

jauh lagi perjalanan...

insyAllah... kalau ade jodoh...

smpai ke jinjang pelamin la kami...

<3

fuck... bullshit... 

~anti-social~

now... i feel like i am completely left out...
hahaha... i'm no longer in the group...
i have no group anymore?
why am i so bother in having a group...???
i'm just trying o make friends...
might be that i just don't know how to make friends...
well... i don't want to add more stress in my life...
live your life athirah... and so does all my friends...

~loser~

hari ni... aku rase macam aku ni sgt loser...
aku kalah dgn keyakinan diri aku...
aku dah hilang keyakinan aku yang aku bangga2kan sgt sebelum ni...
aku hanyut dgn pujian orang lain...
tapi dekat sini... aku rase mcm aku org y paling corot dalam kelas...
i let everyone down... i let myself down...

i'm a loser...
aku pernah rase bende y same dulu...
mase 1st sem time diploma dlu...
tapi mase tu... aku ade ramai supporters... seriously ramai...
tapi dekat sini... aku sorang2... :( supporters aku semuanya jauh... :(
aku jatuh banyak kali dekat sini... sakit... sgt sakit... sbb xde siapa pun dekat sini y sudi letakkan ubat dekat luka tu... :(
aku betul2 sakit sbb banyak kali jatuh... aku kene bangun sendiri walhal ramai y nampak aku jatuh...
namun tiada siapa y sudi tolong...
semua org sangat sibuk dengan hidup sendiri... :(
aku mungkin nampak tabah... tapi aku sgt rapuh... serapuh biskut... aku rase aku dah retak seribu dah... tunggu masa untuk berkecai jer...

aku kecewakan banyak pihak...
my parents... my friends... him n myself...
lbih kurg mcm aku dh kecewakan semua orang...
my life has gone harder and harder as time goes by...
and aku dah jadi mkin pentingkan diri sendri... sangat2... tapi semua tu imaginasi aku je...
aku takkan dapat realisasikan impian tu pun...

aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

a special post for you...

thanks for everything dear...
thank for acting childish with me...
thanks for making me laugh out loud...
i feel less stressful when i'm with you...
i feel so calm with you...
when you show your strict face to me...
it makes me giggle... but it doesn't mean that i'm not taking it seriously...
i love you...
i just know that i love you...
but if one day i give my back to you...
please bear with me...
i just being childish coz wanting for more attention...
and i'm happy because you can be yourselves with me...
and explore more about yourselves when you are with me...
i will never forget our moment in the car when we laughed non stop...
in the end of the day...
i just wanna say... wo ai ni

it's getting scary...

~down~

hi... frankly saying... i'm not hoping for anybody to read this.
i just wanna to write those miserable thought of mine somewhere.
i can't pour this feeling to anybody.
everybody just to busy with their own life.
why would bother to care the childish me.


here we go.


i have a very dark past with me.
since i was little, i was forced to grow up.
each day i'm growing up with tears as my best friend.
i know somewhere out there, there will always be strangers who have life worse than mine.
but i just wanna spill this out.
hopefully this will make me better.


i feel pain every time i see "them"
but i have nobody except "them"
even though "they" are the one who keep hurting me rapidly.
raping the the glory time of mine.
when i was in a high school, i could just ignore "them".
doing crazy things... same goes when i was in the college.
ignoring "them" was the best way.
burying my talent.


hey! can't you see that you keep hurting me at the same place again and again???
slashing the scar all over again.
and this time i am extremely worn out...
i'm not that dense anymore to ignore everything.
can't you see the bloody tears of mine?


all you think is yourself and your bullshit ego!
is the egoistic self of yours bringing you anywhere?
all you do is hurting me to make yourselves feel better.
i always and will always be the best listener for you...
have you ever be my listener when i need it?
but why you never feel my existence?
i wipe all your tears but have you ever wipe my tears?
i hug you whenever you need me but have you ever hug me when i needed you the most?
i stay every time you ask me to, but have you ever stay when i want you to stay?
pathetic isn't?
all you see is "him"...
well fair enough... "he" is your diamond.
i'm just the black sheep... and i know that i will remain as that.
you force me to grow up but when i do so, you treat me like a child...
f*ck!


now to the other "you"
all you think is your lust...
have you ever think of me?
you don't even remember my birthday... hahaha
you left me at the bus station to see that "bitch"
you don't even think the possibility of me being kidnap...
hahaha... wow... you are the nicest person i have ever meet.
thanks for all the memories that you gave me.
it was incredibly useful to me...
you are the main cause of why i turn up this way.
HOLD ON! why am i putting the blame to you?


people could say... all of these are stupid excuses. i'm just using all this to run from the reality that i am useless, stupid, ugly, moron, piece of sh*t and so much more. 
is it? i'm trying to be nice to everybody...
tonight i feel like it's a very long night... it seems endless...


i'm trying to be as cheerful as everyone else. i'm trying to live my life as normal as other people...
for other people it is heaven, for me it used to be a heaven but now it is terrifying. but i have no choice, no other place to go.
i'm afraid because i'm alone, i will always be alone.


this seems like exaggerated but all this while i keep hiding it and i guess i'll be hiding it till the end of my life.
these memories will remain with me until the last day of mine come to take away my last breath.
it will keep haunting me and stick to me as my shadow.  
trust me... i've try to be positive as i could... as mature as anyone else...
but "you" are the one who acting so childish now. damn!


is it nice to control other's life? you feel powerful?
thanks for giving me the chance to be your puppet. thanks for making it as a contract which valid immortally.